20 Lessons from a Crisis Negotiator

Force creates resistance, and resistance creates complications in communication.

In a crisis, you first need to “level” the situation and balance communication.

Don’t show your dominance.

Avoid creating stress.

Think, instead of distancing, try to get closer.

The main problem is that people often use some form of force.

When we were young, we got used to using force to get what we wanted.

Infants cry, but adults do it differently: raising voices, posing threats, extending ultimatums, using sarcasm, etc.

The tactic is the same but a bit more sophisticated – force people into compliance.

The problem is that as adults, we are no longer limited to always talking to the all-forgiving mothers.

Therefore, this approach is ineffective.

Be kind to people and pay attention to them.

You’ll solve problems faster and easier.

You are given the power to use force when you are in charge.

But can you accomplish the same without using it?

Ask yourself, “Why do I need to use force?” before you use it.

Make a polite request instead of commanding.

Ask a question and make people think instead of telling them what to do.

When you use force, you spend your energy.

You could use this energy for a creative process instead.

You don’t need to use a heavy hammer to fix a hand-watch.

You’ll use the finest screwdriver.

Being smart and gentle in communication is like tuning the finest watch.

It doesn’t need a lot of energy.

Your attire is persuasive and could come across as using force

If you wear attire that shows your dominance, then you can command, and people will follow your directions.

If you want them to follow all your instructions without question - wear the uniform.

A uniform or an expensive suit creates a gap in authority.

It’s your level (higher) vs their level (lower).

But wearing jeans and a white T-shirt lets you connect with people quickly and build trust.

People open up to you easier, give you information quicker, and you can manage crises better.

In crisis, you need at least some kind of empathy very quickly.

It’s the first thing you need to establish.

The effectiveness of the outcomes depends on how quickly the empathetic relationship is established.

People trust you more when they see your desire and intent to understand them.

Trust allows you to gather necessary information, create solutions, and move toward implementation.

Find as many similarities as you can.

They are all connection points.

Bring the similarities up in a conversation.

Be empathetic and supportive.

This is how you connect.

Many times, people are largely affected by something that causes them stress.

The actions and attitudes could result from constant stress in their life.

And there could be plenty of reasons why they experience stress.

Find out what is causing stress and discomfort.

It will give you the connection points if you had a similar experience.

You can fix the situation as long as you continue making decisions.

The plane from NY to LA is “off the course” 99% of the time.

But it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that it arrives in LA on time.

You can recognize and fix your mistakes as long as you watch your “red flags.”

Tune in to your intuition.

Your subconscious mind will indicate inconsistencies for you.

Subconsciousness won’t talk to you in words, but you’ll feel that something is off.

It’s a mistake to distrust your gut feeling and ignore the red flags.

Your bias blinds you and steers you to the wrong path.

Set your ego aside and consider that you’re wrong.

Take 10 steps back if needed.

Figure out what doesn’t add up and why.

Get back on track.

When you assume, you may start on the wrong track.

Being on the wrong track is not effective.

If you assume one thing and it appears to be wrong, it will cause a disconnect.

And it may lead to wrong decisions and increased risks of mistakes and failures.

It won’t resonate with the other side well and will create friction in communication.

Being on the wrong track is a waste of valuable time.

So verify your assumptions.

Ask for a clarification.

Be aware of the new facts coming your way.

Reassess the situation and be flexible to pivot if necessary.

Inexperienced negotiators make a plan and follow it.

Experienced negotiators listen to their intuition and pivot.

Experienced negotiators don’t create a plan to avoid being biased.

Negotiation mistakes could be costly, but successes could be rewarding.

Not taking risks means staying where you are and allowing the situation to develop by itself.

Not taking risks means losing fleeting opportunities to win and increasing the odds of failing due to inaction.

It’s hard to be patient as you may think you know the shortest correct path.

But sharing your opinion could deprive others of their own ideas.

Build people up around you, and let them solve problems.

It will pay off handsomely.

If you see that they are “shooting themselves in the foot,” ask them questions and make them think.

When a kidnapper calls the negotiator at night, the negotiator doesn’t pick up the phone.

The negotiator understands that the hostage needs rest, the kidnapper needs rest, and the negotiator needs rest.

Having a good rest and restarting with a fresh mind the following day is vital for success in negotiation.

Create moments of silence and rest.

Always think about both sides.

Practice regularly to view the situation from the perspective of the other person.

Always set a goal to understand the other side’s perspective.

You’ll never win when you play a game on your side of the field.

Explore how the other person sees the situation.

Understand what they are going through and what they feel about it.

To improve, learn from others what they do well and apply it to your situation.

You may recognize people who are really good at negotiation.

Ask them what they do and do the same.

Keep it if it works for you.

Or drop it if it doesn’t.

Daniel Kahneman created a brilliant model that explains our thinking in terms of System 1 and System 2.

System 1 is your subconscious mind.

It’s your supercomputer capable of processing millions of bits of information in a split second.

It gives you perfect solutions and answers quickly as long as it has the right data and “program.”

System 2 is your logical, conscious mind. It's slow and effortful. But it can talk to System 1 and "program" it.

Practice negotiation regularly to “program” your System 1 supercomputer.

To train your System 1, get out of your comfort zone during practice sessions.

Push yourself to think out of the box.

One big problem is that people don’t trust System 1 and miss the red flags, getting biased and finally getting stuck.

“Program” your System 1 by regular practice and then trust it to find the red flags.

All your stories and arguments have to come from the place of truth and honesty.

There’s no stronger foundation than truth.

Don’t compromise it for the sake of a quick win.

It isn’t worth it.

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