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Are you good at active listening?
These days, everyone is a master of active listening.
You may think:
- I’m good at listening.
- I never cut off people.
- I ask questions.
- I know how to paraphrase.
- I am curious, compassionate, and supportive.
- What am I missing?
Here’s what I see most people do during practice when there’s some pressure applied, like some sort of disagreement or a competitive goal.
- They speak faster
- They speak longer
- They reply quicker
- They start to lay out facts
- They start to argue
- They raise voice
- They mostly talk about themselves
Where does that great active listening skill go?
Right through the window!
Active listening doesn’t seem to fit the purpose of resolving a disagreement.
Why would you listen to someone who disagrees with you?
What we naturally tend to do is make sure that the other person sees our point.
We think that others are blind to what we’re going through.
Well, if listening is about focusing on the other person, then what can we call this strategy?
- Anti-listening?
- Anti-empathy?
- Anti-understanding?
We want the other side to step out of their way and understand our pain.
What does it do for us?
In short – it breaks trust.
Our subconscious feeling is that during peaceful times, we could be empathetic and apply listening, but in turbulent times, people owe this back to us.
We feel entitled to be understood.
And when we’re not listened to and not understood, it feels unfair and, therefore, disrespectful and unsafe.
We lose trust in people who do not listen to us in the time of disagreement.
Did it happen to you, or am I getting off-track here?
Have you been in this position, or did you see someone doing it to you?
A screaming example is a high quantity of litigations over divorces where people can’t make simple agreements because they lose trust in each other.
I must say that most of my life was also spent in this vicious cycle due to a lack of skill.
I thought it was normal, and there was no other way.
But it's not the only way to build relationships.
Why would we build trust and then lose it in a difficult conversation?
Especially when we have to rebuild it over again!
It doesn’t make any sense.
But it gets worse.
Even when we’re listening, we're not doing it right.
We might be curious but not really being nurturing.
Nurturing is about showing your understanding or being "reflective."
There’s a big difference between being curious and being reflective.
When you listen for your own good, you’re being curious.
When you listen to help others understand themselves better, you’re being reflective.
The difference feels in the questions you ask and in the comments you make.
For example, this sounds curious:
- Oh, that’s awesome! How did you do it?
- Wow! What happened after that?
- That’s a great decision. What did you say to them?
When you focus on the story and the facts and continue doing it for the sake of learning your lesson, you’re being curious.
You could be very attentive and listen well, but they will know why – to fulfill your own purpose.
On the opposite, this sounds reflective:
- It was probably challenging. What lesson did it hold for you?
- Wow, you probably felt excited! What impressed you the most?
- That was an important finding. What would you do differently in the future?
These questions focus on the experience of the person in front of you.
Therefore, active listening or, more precisely, reflective listening is not about just listening. It’s about what you say after you listen.
Focus on the other person and forget about yourself, your opinions, judgments, and purposes.
Most of us don’t find enough understanding and attention from others, especially in moments of disagreement.
What if we’d care to listen and understand each other a bit more?
Would it be unwise to make the world a bit better by creating more empathy?
And, of course, you don’t have to give up your positions.
You don’t have to agree to something that you don’t want.
On the opposite, you can turn disagreements into beneficial deals.
How can you do that?
How can we put all these skills together, listen the right way in the heat of disagreement, keep our interests satisfied, and make a good deal?
Join my masterclass, “7 Levels of Nurturing™, a Strategic Approach to Earning Trust for Your Business,” and we’ll discuss it there.
- Vlad, your Business Relationships Coach
Free Masterclass “7 Levels of Nurturing™, a Strategic Approach to Earning Trust for Your Business”
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