Are You Negotiating Like a Lawyer Without Realizing It?

Do you know who struggles with negotiation the most?

The lawyers!

They can’t let go of figuring out who is right and who is guilty.

Guess what, in negotiation, it doesn’t matter.

I took a 4-day Civil Mediation training course, and half of the class were lawyers.

Just a couple of words about mediation to get us on the same page…

Mediation is the process where 2 parties try to resolve a dispute through a negotiation where the mediator’s role is to facilitate this process.

Mediator has a lot of power:

• Controlling the conversation flow

• Asking questions

• Asking for decisions

But mediators can’t make decisions about the dispute.

The parties decide.

How could mediators help them decide?

We went through a lot of techniques, strategies, and principles.

But overall, it’s about creating 2 things: trusting relationships and a vision of the future.

Now, why do lawyers struggle with that?

The American litigation system doesn’t focus on emotions.

It just does ruling, and people come up emotionally hanging and unresolved.

The lawyers are fact-finders.

They seek the truth.

They ask many questions about what happened.

They are focused on the past to determine what is right.

It helps justify the decisions of the court, that’s true.

But how does it help people to agree?

It doesn’t.

Because decisions are based on vision.

And vision is based on an emotional picture of the future.

Both relationships and vision are based on emotions.

But the lawyers often make people feel guilty and confused.

That’s what they are good at!

Once, I asked an attorney to negotiate with the ICE officer to expedite reviewing the documents for someone detained in ICE custody.

I asked the attorney, “Could you talk to the officer and ask if they can review the documents faster for someone in a serious medical condition?”

The attorney answered,

"Well, I tried that before, and it didn’t work.

I told the officer to review documents faster for someone else. I said that they had kids who they hadn't seen for a long time, didn’t feel well, and missed their home and elderly relatives.

The officer denied my request and told me it was not his problem.”

I can see why the officer rejected the request.

What vision will this message make besides making him feel guilty for saying NO?

The officer will probably think,

“Well, if I release someone without a strong reason, I’ll probably lose my job.

Those kids and parents can wait a month or two.

It’s not critical for them, but I will have severe consequences.

So, NO, I won’t do that.”

That's why the attorney's request didn't land well.

What I wanted the attorney to say instead are two questions that would build a vision of the future:

“What does it take to detain someone if medical conditions become severe?”

“What will happen if a person dies in custody or shortly after from an illness developed in custody?”

These questions do not focus your attention on the past but rather on the future relevant to the officer.

And that’s a big difference.

We don’t make decisions when thinking of the past.

We do it because of the relevant future.

If someone tries to make you feel guilty, they judge you and want to dismiss your decisions.

But regardless of what they make you feel, remember that you have the power to decide.

If you’re negotiating like a lawyer, logically, and instigating guilt, think twice.

It’s the most expensive way to negotiate.

If you make someone guilty once, they won’t want to see you ever again.

They’d want to clear you from their memory with everything good that you did for them.

Instead of focusing on the past, establish rapport and create the future.

That is the skill we learned and practiced at the mediation training course.

Don’t be a fact-finder.

Be a master of building rapport, discovering interests, and creating a vision of the future.

How to build rapport?

The best and easiest way is to practice Reflective Listening on 7 Levels of Nurturing™.

In essence, it’s about telling people what they are going through and what they feel about it based on their own words.

How to build vision?

Ask interrogative questions that start from the question words: What, When, How, Who, etc.

Focus them on their future.

Get them thinking and speaking about it.

If you want to learn more about becoming a mediator or building a vision and trusting relationships, join my “Easy Start” sessions.

I’ll answer all your questions.

Here’s the link: https://bit.ly/easy-start-30-min

Join the "Easy Start" call to ask any questions about building a vision.

https://bit.ly/easy-start-30-min

Or if you're a master of negotiation - take a quiz and see where you stand.

https://bit.ly/negotiation-quiz-1

Want to check your influence skills? Here's the survey:

https://bit.ly/ethical-influence-survey-for-advisors