Party stories are all about negotiation

What do people talk about at a party?

They tell stories.

Most of them are negotiation stories.

Very few are about buying used cars at discounted prices.

But most are about negotiating positions, powers, rights, timing, and control.

I've recently been to a party and heard a few just in the first hour:

• How people don't get paid for what they delivered.

• How companies change their promises to vendors and pay less or later than expected.

• How a company messed up paperwork, resulting in losses for employees, and how it was fixed.

• How a contractor threatens clients to dispose of unique materials to get a better deal.

• How a fellow manager undermined someone's teamwork and how he was proven wrong.

• How VPs are being very competitive and digging pitfalls for each other.

Sounds familiar?

You may say, what does it have to do with negotiation?

Everything.

Negotiation is not bargaining over prices. It's an effort to make agreements and build relationships with people who are free to say NO and walk away.

Agreements result in promotions, easier business, more business, more followers, options, and preferences.

One particular story stood out because it taught me a few valuable lessons.

Here's the short version of it.

One manager (let's call him Bob) and his team were undermined by another manager (let's call him Jack). I'm assuming Jack was talking something bad behind Bob's back. I don't know what exactly was happening. That wasn't a part of the story, so I took it for granted.

Bob wanted to teach Jack a lesson and stop his behavior. He got together with his most talented engineers and told them to learn about Jack's current project and do the same thing but better.

"Don't tell anyone about it, or we'll get in trouble," Bob added.

The engineers worked on it for some time (I'm assuming a few days or weeks) and finally presented a solution. It was 10 times faster than Jack's solution. Instead of taking 10 minutes of calculations, it only took 1 minute to get the same result.

Feeling encouraged by this advantage, Bob went to Jack's boss and explained how Jack undermined his team.

Jack's boss said, "I understand, but Jack is doing his job well."

"No, he doesn't, " Bob replied, "we've created a solution that is 10 times faster."

And he presented the evidence.

According to Bob, this convinced Jack's boss to talk to Jack and ask him to stop his undermining behavior.

Happy end.

Great story of defending the team, right?

Well, it raises a few questions:

• Did it really solve the problem?

• What relationships were created with Jack's boss?

• What happened to Bob's relationship with Jack?

• Did the company get the benefit from this resolution?

• What was the cost of such a resolution?

• What reputation did Bob create for himself in the company?

• What would Jack's boss prefer as a resolution?

• What would Jack's boss do as a next step?

We face difficult relationships and challenging disputes every day.

What do we often sacrifice to prove our point?

Our relationships.

We create leverage so we can force the situation in our favor.

We rely on power because it feels good to be right.

Unfortunately, power destroys trusting relationships.

And trust is the foundation for partnerships in any business.

What if Bob managed to have a straightforward and honest conversation with Jack, figured out where the feeling of contention was coming from, agreed to collaborate, shared advice about project improvements, and offered help?

Would the answers to the above questions be different?

That's what negotiation is about - making agreements between 2 or more people where each party is free to say NO.

What can you do if someone undermines you?

Don't use power or invest your resources in creating leverage.

Instead, negotiate your respect back through a conversation.

Involve a neutral 3rd party if needed.

Discover the source of the problem and fix it.

How to discover? It could be complex.

But you can start by acknowledging their emotions.

It is called Nurturing, and it's designed to restore trust.

Aim to turn your enemy into your friend.

It's not accidental that C-level executives are at the very top.

They don't create enemies on the way up.

They create supporters.

What's your preference?

Want to learn more about Nurturing?

Connect with me on the "Easy Start" Zoom call, and ask me anything about negotiation or influence.

https://bit.ly/easy-start-30-min

Or if you're a master of negotiation - take a quiz and see where you stand.

https://bit.ly/negotiation-quiz-1

Want to check your influence skills? Here's the survey:

https://bit.ly/ethical-influence-survey-for-advisors